love, life's best colour

Think Happy

2009-11-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

It's definitely always frustrating to swing from a high with positive expectations down into a low that leaves me feeling scared and lost, even when nothing significantly bad has happened.

Honestly, I think I'm too sensitive, insecure at times, no, make that most of the times. I really need to stop this over-thinking and over-worrying shit before it actually consumes me. I need to just focus and do the best I can, without trying to pre-empt every single step.

I really don't want to fall back into the 'depressing' state again, just not now (I'm not ready for the whole deja vu and I can't control my thoughts all over again). Or never. I wanna be a fire that blazes through everything in my path to get to where I want to be. I don't want to give up this fight.

I really need to stay strong. I'm sick of giving up the fight when I'm near the finishing line because I'm weak mentally.

I need to make good choices and stick to them, because I have a long long long long long way to go. But I will definitely reach there if I work hard.

Alyssa

Powerpuff Girls

2009-11-16T23:28:00.004+08:00

What's that I see? It's Buttercup!

Apart from being a awesome character in PPG & a pretty yellow flower which carries the color of delicious butter, this picture also highlights the fact that Alyssa has joined the Buttercup rank by completing her first WOD "Tyler's" today! There's apparently four levels of WOD: Big Dawgs (which is unscaled), The Pack, Puppies and Buttercups.

I would go on about more but I wouldn't want to be perceived as the fitness buff. I am still very much feminine at heart, especially the part where I felt like giving up during the workout! Sheesh, it was supposed to be 5 rounds and I only did 3, yet I felt like dying on the beginning of the 2nd round. The best thing was I almost thought that the warm-up was the workout itself. Yikes!

It was indeed an experience, everybody there is nice & welcoming, but I guess I am very new so I ended up feeling out of place and incompetent alot. Not a very nice feeling, but I know that I will get there in time. My biggest competition is myself.

So I shall look forward to this busy week with strength, determination & anticipation (laziness and lousy discipline will not be tolerated!): Gym, Peranakan feast, Gym, Homemade pizza, Gym, Pig workshop, Aaron's Bday! :D One for every day of this week... yay!

Love,
Alyssa

Happy Pics

2009-11-16T14:08:00.007+08:00

Since I am having a better day today, and I seem to be in a trying mood, I shall post more pictures that make me smile! And hopefully, you will smile too :D

*20 minutes later*

Okay, as I am a very fickle & lazy person, I shall just leave a link here for now..

Click on this to see World's 23 Tiniest Animals!

Some of them are rather freaky, so don't go smiling unless you're perverted...

Love,

Alyssa

Hamsters!

2009-11-15T21:49:00.002+08:00

Don't waste your time on someone who feels that he's wasting his time on you.

Wise words indeed, reiterated to me by Hilda.

Sometimes, I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I am constantly throwing myself away to include him. Constantly fawning over him and everything, giving him the stability, security and support he needs. Yes, I may not be the perfect gf but I was there for him. Yet, each time again, he disappoints me. I am just sad to say that after all we have been through, we are just at the point where we are both tired to carry on or resolve things. We, or I, need closure.

I have no idea how the future will pan out, don't ask me. I know I am an irritating soft-hearted girl who sets her heart up for disappointments. Sue me then.

On to other things, I am starting my new workout tomorrow, have to pay 352 dollars, blahs! And there's about 26 more days till my last day of work and too many things to complete.

Went to look at hamsters the other day but since I can't keep any, here's some cute hamsters photos to keep ~~you~~ me happy...

Okay, that's it for now.

Love,
Alyssa

2009-11-13T07:47:00.001+08:00

I dread this feeling. I wonder if this is me being lazy & giving excuses or me running away from reality because it gets too much to take.

Sighs.... ....

Nightmare on 21st Street

2009-11-12T21:06:00.003+08:00

Oh well, realise that I have not been updating this blog for a super long time. Cobwebs, yadda yadda yawns...

Before I start on my lengthy update of my super boring life accordingly to my very angsty point of view, I would just like to say that I cannot stand myself at times. Today, I suddenly had the inspiration to start a new blog on tumblr, like the latest breakthrough in blogging. However, I'm much too used to blogspot, livejournal and wordpress to fully understand how tumblr works. And I am pretty much lazy to explore it to find out. But that wasn't the first of my problems. It was coming up with a good blog name. My inspiration to create a new blog depleted exponentially with my inability to come up with a name. So I ended up not creating one and not blogging. But hearing that G has started blogging today re-inspired me, so here I am. I would just like to to say that after using so many platforms (with the exception of the expired Diaryland), blogspot still presents the best customization without paying. :D The only downside is that you cannot lock a post. (Hello blogger, work on that!)

On to my life, I spend each day on a mood rollercoaster. As the people around me have come to know about, I recently made a huge decision to leave. So what is Alyssa going to do in future?! Truth is, Alyssa doesn't know either. Sometimes, I feel regret and sadness that I'm leaving but other times, I'm just plain glad that I made this decision. Just yesterday on my actual birthday, I actually had to go through the following: 1) tantrums thrown by 2 GUYS and 2) eye make-up (blue eyeshadow) criticized by OCM!

The conversation went like this... its in Chinese so I just intepret & translate la okay... not perfect but you get the drift okay:

OCM: Why your eye like got bruised?
Me: ...
OCM: So much color, *points to other female colleagues* she don't have, she also don't have, why yours like that?
Me: I'm going to my Grandmother's birthday tonight at Hyatt hotel.
OCM: Your grandmother where will like?
Me: ....
OCM: Your grandmother sure won't like one!
Me: .. You not my grandmother, how will you know?
OCM: *mumble mumble on how my grandmother won't like my eye makeup*

Fucking irritating right?! Hello? Leave me alone can! Either God is testing me or I have really sucky _____. At least the horror is ending soon.

Thinking back, I used to enjoy blogging and I really love this blog name. I realise that my previous posts were when I just started out at my company. And now I'm leaving... time really flies. (but just not fast enough now!)

Now that I have recently turned 21 yesterday, living in this world and discovering many new things, I am glad that even if I might feel that I have not accomplished anything in my life, this year has been more of an adventure than my last few.

I would also like to include a shout-out to my dearest best friend Hui-Peng for a beautiful touching blog post dedicated to me! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GIRL! ♥

So hopefully I would keep up this blogging stint for months to come.

Love with a tinge of angst,
Alyssa Wee

Things i noticed on my way to work

2009-03-06T12:17:00.003+08:00

Things that I noticed on my way to work:

1) A guy reading a book with an interesting title 'The best of the best, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader" hmms.. wonder what that book's about...

2) My colleague, Patrick, came on the bus, gave me "Hey, i know you" look.

3) Saw the same lady playing her PSP on the bus again.. guess what she's still playing? Harvest Moon! looks like she grew more vegetables today.. haha!!!

4) Girls who wear sunglasses in the day are either dumb or plain rude.. one stepped on my already injured toe in the bus and didnt even say sorry.. and another one was walking in front of me like she's drunk, cant decide where she wanna walk towards to.. zzz, mayb that one is blind!

Random-ness.

I'm tired and its lunch soon, going out with Dr. Li, Hilda and Patrick!

OMG! I just realised that Dr Li and Patrick have the same surname!! hahaa

Love

Alyssa

LOLS

2009-03-05T12:02:00.001+08:00

µ¥ ˚´¥∫øå®∂ ˆß ßπøˆ¬´∂⁄

For those that can understand glitch language,

that means 'my keyboard is spoiled' when typed by my spoiled keyboard.

Hahaha!

Cool, now I can type secret code messages that even I wouldn't understand.

Love

Alyssa

EGG TOFU

2009-03-03T20:33:00.004+08:00

Was trying to find a recipe to cook the 2 tubes of egg tofu that are 'rotting' in the fridge, expiry on the 8 or 9 of this month!! Came across this forum and saw this thread...

How do I cook Tofu!

Hazelnutz (27 March 2007, 15:22:00 PM)

"I have just dicovered Tofu, but not sure how to cook it! Before I could even get it out of the packet it had all slipped and slided everywhere and split into a million pieces. In the end I basted it with olive oil, cooked it in the oven and made tofu chips?

I am sure there are better things to do with it? I would like to add it to noodles and other dishes. How do I cook it? or do I just break it up and chuck it in the pan? Do I squish all the water out?"

LOLS!! spilt into a million pieces.. haha..

if you thought that was funny.. wait till you read what's next... along comes this smart-ass...

Re: How do I cook Tofu!

Funny (Reply #4, 28 March 2007, 12:04:00 PM)

"Tofu was discovered by the Chinese approx. 4000 years ago, not by Hazelnutz in 2007"

OMGWTFISHERMAN LOLCANO!!!!

Love
Alyssa

p/s grammar and spelling was not edited by me, what you read is purely what they wrote.

Hello Office

2009-02-24T19:55:00.005+08:00

HELLO OFFICER!!

Okay so here's a look at my new office.

I'm typing this up now on my laptop and it's been some time since I last touched my laptop.
Sorry to all the people who I have been neglecting..
but most of all.. I am filled with regrets that I am not able to meet Grace before she goes off to Australia for a long long time. Reasons why, I cant state here.

Talking about less depressing stuff, here's a list of how to know when you're turning into a MacAddict.

When using Windows XP...

1. You double click windows to minimize them.
2. Your laptop screen suddenly looks cute! (as in small)
3. You swivel your mouse to the edge of the screen but nothing happens.
4. You move your cursor to the bottom of the screen but no dock appears. (Widgets lag me!)
5. You move your hands to the back of your laptop screen but find no buttons there.
6. You stare at the 'acer' logo instead of an apple.
7. You click the side of your mouse redunantly (my mouse has no side buttons, only left & right)
8. You try using a remote to control your brother's computer
9. You highlight website addresses (w/o hyperlink) and right-click to open them but fail
10. You try to find your favourite Finder and Safari but all you find is My Computer and Internet Explorer/Mozilla Firefox.

okay.. this is all for now.. its time to get to work!

p/s This post is also for the bf who complains that I don't blog anymore, I know you meant in our blog but I just wanted to irritate you. Hehe!

Love
Alyssa

randomness

2009-02-09T14:09:00.002+08:00

IM. NOT. DEAD... yet

Muahahahahahaha...

Count

Alyssa

This Day

2009-01-28T00:17:00.003+08:00

This day, I thankfully accept all of the good things that are coming my way. This day is full of excitement, love, energy, health and prosperity. This day, people are calling on me to be of service to them and I respond by giving my very best. This day, I think and practice health in my life, refusing to accept anything less than perfect health. This day, I accept the abundance and prosperity that is mine and willingly share it with others. This day, I focus on the moment and give no thought to the past or to the future. This day, I spend in total enjoyment of what I do. This day, I fill with loving thoughts and actions toward all other people and myself. This day, I spend in grateful appreciation of all that is mine. This day, this hour, this minute, this moment, all that I have and I choose to use it in celebration.

u tell me

2009-01-17T23:32:00.003+08:00

is my life just set up for disappointments and uncertainty?

or am I just too much of a pessimist and demanding of myself?

what am I brought into this world for?

is this why God is here for?

or is this why there is God?

u tell me.
because im lost.

Alyssa

i love u

2009-01-11T23:07:00.006+08:00

i love you

because there is none like you;

because you complete me;

because you bring out the best in me;

and for so much more...

Love

Alyssa

Pages from a Modern Day Idiot

2009-01-11T22:47:00.006+08:00

"Pages from a Modern Day Idiot"

OMGWTFisherman!

I have been blogging for years!!!

But I never realised that there was an option to upload 5 pictures at a time... so for the previous post, I waited like donkey years to upload that 15 pictures ONE by ONE!

Speechless

Alyssa

Boon Tong Kee

2009-01-11T21:44:00.022+08:00

Date: 6th January 2009

Venue: Boon Tong Kee @ Boon Keng (not Balestier)

Who came: Wee family, Yeo family, Ah Ma & Ah Gong

Occasion: Because we're hungry.

I have tons more pictures to upload from my new camera, so sorry that this post is late!

Love

Alyssa

2009

2009-01-10T13:39:00.009+08:00

Today is the 10th of January..
I'm due at his house for dinner later..

2009 has started off with a big bang of change..
of new beginnings..
too new..
too foreign..

that im finding it hard to even find my stance and be myself.. i feel like im constantly struggling to swim against the current.. or else i'll be swept away by it.. i feel like i have to push aside everything else that i care about.. just to concentrate fully on this one thing in order to keep up with it, which i dont even know if its really worth all this 'work' and effort.. and this seriously messes up my life balance... even though there are things i should be happy for, i realise that essentially inside, im pretty unhappy.. i hope its due to the changes and it will pass...

i hope i find my balance soon...
i hope i find what i really want soon...

but i need to thank God for one person who was there for me yesterday night.. i know that there are alot of things that must be worked out between us... actually im happy when u told me that my mum already regard you as her son-in-law... but i dunno what's wrong with me.. that i always speak the opposite when im tired... thanks for being my comfort through these tough times.. and i know that u will be my strength and constantly push me on.. for that is the only reason besides feelings that we are still together today...

i love you..
we are coming near to spending half a year together already..
even if we did spend 5 apart..
but thanks for coming back..
and for making me stay..
i knew i could count on you...
i know i can count on you...

~~mayb~~ you are my soulmate afterall...

Love
Alyssa

reunited

2009-01-08T22:05:00.012+08:00

He's coming back tomorrow!
He's Coming Back Tomorrow!
HE'S COMING BACK TOMORROW!

Love
Alyssa

Gahment sucks

2009-01-08T22:00:00.005+08:00

No wonder gahment sucks. LOLS!

Love

Alyssa

Amazing Grace

2009-01-08T17:39:00.003+08:00

sitting in a foreign desk in a foreign place,

i miss somebody.

someone who has a crazy infectious loud laughter that i swear you can almost hear from level 1 to level 2... or 3... or 4...

someone who loves to share with me a whole shitload of 'interesting' websites...

someone who got me addicted to Gossip Girl...

someone who 'whines' and frets about work alot...

someone who complains to me about the *scratches neck in a upwards fashion* guy...

someone who gave me a '1 dollar' key lock thing and wanted to say something corny like you are the lock and im the key, we shall never part...

someone who lights up the office literally with her presence...

someone who provides me with FREE mango icecream ^^

someone who just called me today to ask me about my new job...

someone who shares with me her work frustrations and listens to mine in return...

someone who frequently visits me in the cold mortuary... lols...

someone i love to bits and pieces!!!

the list goes on and on....

and she is none other than Grace!

Love

Alyssa

nervous.

2009-01-05T05:49:00.004+08:00

its 5.50am.
the alarm rings.
but i am awake.

woke up at 5am.
feeling pretty scared.
and i just know...

im gonna miss Dangling, Slut, Loser, Moron, Bra & ~~Nerd~~, even J man.

brace up Ass!

cool..
now we're color-coded..
too bad i cant tell u guys this at lunch over daitee no more..

Wish Me Luck & Nerves of Steel
Alyssa

Usher - Forever Young

2009-01-02T01:07:00.002+08:00

To the <3 of my life:

I've walked alone and.. felt as if no one cared
All the days, so dark and dim..
But it's like the rays of the sun somehow came down
To shine, when you were around
And I always thought that I'd
Never find that one..
To make me feel Forever Young..

But if I had one wish, my life to share
Would be with you and no one else
If I had open arms..
Would you have a heart to spare?
If ever you want me near..
I'll be there to run and say I'm there
Givin' you someone that understands
And a love that will never end
I can be all that you need and more..

It's time I know.. I swear, never again..
See I think it's love, I've fallen in..
And I can't figure it out, the way
It's amazing how you surround me,
By the touch of your hand, if I could..
Everything I'd write, and the blue skies
Form me in your eyes to see..
Together you & me, Forever Young

Together you & me will be..
Forever young..

Love
Alyssa

Brendan Benson - What Im Looking For

2008-12-26T09:16:00.000+08:00

Well I don't know what I'm looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won't be satisfied
'Till there's nothing left that I haven't tried
For some people it's an easy choice
But for me there's a devil and an angel's voice
Well I don't know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don't know what I'm living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don't wanna argue, no I don't wanna fight
'Cause you're always wrong and I'm always right
Well I don't know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I've lost it all and I don't feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I'll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I've got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I'm insecure
And I'm filled with doubt and I'm immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I'm lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don't know what I've been waiting for
But I know that I don't wanna wait anymore

Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...

Love
Alyssa

Wonderfantabulous

2008-12-22T09:00:00.003+08:00

Warning: Dreamy post ahead!

The feeling of..

knowing it only belongs to you..
being wanted and needed..
having something to strive for..
security and satisfaction..

is absolutely wonderfantabulous!

Love
Alyssa

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009.

2008-12-20T12:44:00.003+08:00

The date today is 20th December 2008.

5 more days to Christmas.
6 more days to Malacca weekend getaway.
6.5 more days of work in TP.
11 more days to the end of 2008.
12 more days to New Year 2009.
16 more days to something new.
35 more days to welcoming XQ back.

2008 has been full of ups and downs, but I turned out alright. 2008 has certainly been a year of struggling between feeling lost and discovering myself, my career, love and Life.

Looking back, I cannot even imagine how I managed to get this far to where I am today. For people that knows the link to my old blog, they would know that I was emotionally broken in the beginning of 2008, so much that I hated boys and relationships. On top of that, I was like a lost sheep that did not know what I wanted or needed to do. In the beginning, I blamed my parents for not supporting me in my studies, but now I thank them for teaching me how to be independent. There is so much more satisfaction in working hard to earn money and invest in upgrading yourself.

And today, I am in love with a wonderful guy. He has always been there for me, like sending me flowers and a birthday cake to bridge the distance even when he's in China. He has also never once given up on this relationship or on me, yet I cannot say the same for me. He has certainly been my anchor, something I thank God for everyday.

So just for fun's sake, I will evaluate a list of things I told myself to do in 2008, picked out from my old blog, here goes...

1) Sleep

Okay.. this really is a dumb resolution, but I guess me and 8 billion more people in the world fulfilled this. I must have been feeling like a zombie the time I wrote that.

Verdict: PASS

2) Eat my "fav dish" @ Cafe Cartel

If I am not wrong, it was the Chef Salad.. I did not get to eat it due to time constraints. Lol.. the only reason why I like it is because of the dressing.. I am still wondering what is the dressing they use.

Verdict: FAIL

3) Watch Bleach from where i last stopped (Episode 77)

Yups, I managed to catch Bleach from Episode 77 till the part they go to the Arrancar's place.. can't really remember where I stopped later on.. but I havent been following since then.

Verdict: PASS

4) Bake what i wanna bake (Brownies, Cakes, Cookies, Truffles)

Oooh.. in 2008, I baked chocolate brownies (which turned out okay by my standards), chocolate chip cookies (but i lost the recipe), 2 marble cakes (1 turned out horrible coz I forgot to add baking soda) and an Oreo Cheesecake (technically it isnt baked)

Verdict: PASS

5) Cook what i wanna cook (Mac & Cheese, Spaghetti w Meatballs)

I cooked Mac & Cheese, Baked Mac Pasta, Spaghetti, Shepherd's Pie!

Verdict: PASS

6) **** xx**

HAHA.. LOLS!

Verdict: FAIL

7) Watch anime and cartoons till i go crazy

I watched plenty of anime and cartoons (like the whole season of Avatar).. almost went crazy but didnt admit IMH.. soo...

Verdict: FASS/PAIL

8) Play games

I played a few Maplestory private servers for awhile, Sims2 for awhile and Maplesea for awhile.

Verdict: PASS

9) Think of more creative and useful tings to do

GAH O_o WHO WROTE THAT!

Verdict: EPIC FAIL

10) Find a job (must i? my conscience wrote that..)

*beams*

Verdict: PASSS

So now that's done, we're on to 2009. 2009 really marks a new beginning for me. I cannot stress on how important it is.. it might even be the turning point of my life. 2009 is also the year I reach adulthood (21 yrs old).. where I foresee I am going to make a lot more important decisions and take up more responsiblity. I was never a fan of making New Year's Resolution as you can see my 2008 "resolutions" were labelled list of things to do... haha.. but this year is different.. I got to step up my game.. so here it is..

2009 New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a permanent full-time job which I am passionate about
2) Be more punctual by sleeping early and waking up on time
3) Adapt to 2+ hours travelling time (to and fro; 1+ hour each)
4) Be a better girlfriend to XQ by making an effort to spend time together
5) Study a part-time degree
6) Save more money for my studies (at least 50% of my annual income after cpf)
7) Donate blood a few more times (at least twice)
8) Lose 11kg by exercising more regularly and watching my diet
9) Run 5km by gradually training and in a few years' time, be able to complete the 42.195km marathon
10) Be a more responsible girl, daughter, sister, friend, whatever I am to my loved ones.
11) Learn/do something new that I've always wanted

that's about all for now.
i wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead!

Love
Alyssa

mixed feelings

2008-12-19T14:18:00.002+08:00

it seems like everything is finally falling into place..
and the future looks like 1000 watts brighter..

but why do i have such mixed feelings inside?

12 more days to...

~~maybe~~ it will be good for me.

On a much happier note, today marks the 5th monthsary of me and XQ.
despite the distance and all, im really happy to have met him and still be able to be his gf after all this while. u have been nothing but sweet, loving, understanding and strong!

i love you baby!

Love
Alyssa

Bye bye Shepherd's Pie

2008-12-16T23:44:00.001+08:00

OMGucci! (haha.. never used that phrase for so long)

MY SHEPHERD'S PIE IS GONE!

Into the stomachs of my dad, my 2 bros and me. Lols.. in record timing summore.. I can't believe it.. what's this i feel?

I think its satisfaction and a sense of 'achievement'!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Love
Alyssa

Shepherd's Pie

2008-12-16T22:26:00.007+08:00

Today I baked Shepherd's Pie like a kan chiong spider.

And everybody knows that when Alyssa does things like a kan chiong spider, she's bound to end up creating a big mess. Here are some highlights:

#1 Dumb potatoes could not be mashed, coz I 'gey kiang' go and boil before peeling and cubing them.
#2 I burnt my left hand trying to catch a metal spoon that I used to stir the boiling hot sauce.
#3 I burnt my tongue while trying to taste the sauce.
#4 Something went wrong with the texture somewhere because the mashed potatoes did not sit well on top of the chicken filling.
#5 Blahs.. I'll just let the pictures do the talking yeah..

So overall taste-wise (opinion from my dad and bro as well), it tastes pretty good but texture is funny.. too runny and wet.. hmmm..

im so tired now. lols. how to be housewife? how can?!

Love
Alyssa

2008-12-12T21:34:00.001+08:00

i didnt think that anybody would read my blog.
and so soon after i posted that last awful post.

but thanks Kurt..
you made me feel a whole lot better.

thanks bro..

we all have our pain

2008-12-12T18:06:00.006+08:00

i feel miserable, angry and alone.

but there's just so much i cant mention.

when i look at you, i envy you for being able to express your feelings so blatantly.
but you should know you are pushing away the people who care for you.
and as a friend, it hurts to see this in the people around me.
i dunno what i said or did wrong that made you angry at everybody, or maybe just at me.
if i did, then im sorry.

if this post offences you, im sorry too.
it was never my intention.
xq's not here and im left alone with my thoughts.
there's just so much on my mind.
i need to let it all out and this is my only outlet left.
but just to clarify, im not feeling this way becoz of you.
you are just one contributive factor.

im sick of this feeling inside of me.
im sick of feeling so lost and alone.
im sick of suppressing my feelings.
im sick of feeling helpless.
im sick of crying.
and most of all, im sick of pretending.
becoz its killing me inside.

i wish someone would save me from myself.

2008-11-26T14:02:00.004+08:00

Have you ever felt like nothing before and when you look deep into your heart, what lies inside is only fear.. tinged with the melanchony of sadness. Like a overpowering beast with glowing red eyes, it stares back at you with a taunting smirk and bares its razor-sharp teeth, challenging.. daring you to take a step.. just make a move. 'It will pass.', it continually whispers this blatant lie inside your head. While at the same time, it engulfs you in its bittersweet embrace, dragging you down into the dark crevasses of the battered remnants of your life force where you relive your greatest disappointments on replay. It manipulates your mind freely like a well-strung puppet, relishing in its control on you. It rejoices in each moment of victory and in seeing you grow more puppet-like each day. It wants you to be so weak mentally that you throw everything out the window, especially things or people you love and care about and believe that being desolute and lousy is what you deserve. It just wants you to lose yourself but it does not want to lose you, so it constantly feeds you lies, keeping you just strong enough to live each day and leading you on to think it's just a phase when the only true promise it gives is of eternal damnation.

2008-11-13T22:08:00.003+08:00

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-11-11T19:24:00.007+08:00

What makes for a special birthday?

It's more than having your birthday fall on the 11th day of the 11th month of every year.
It's more than having lots of presents and angpows.
It's more than fine dining, expensive outings and grand parties.

I would say its...

- having my year 1 students sing 'Happy Birthday' during class
- having my year 3 students/friends surprise me with a cake during lunch (3 guys summore.. how sweet of them right.. i think ~~all 3 of them~~ two are still available.. though one might be off the market soon.. so girls out there.. jiayou..)
- having my year 2 + 3 students/friends and my supervisor sing 'Happy Birthday', then eat cake together
- having a lunch treat from Stan

It's times like this when I realise that feeling alone is perhaps what it really is, just a feeling.
You never know how many people are actually there beside you all along.

Although this was not how I expected my birthday to be (since I still had to work).. I want to truly thank everybody (esply those 3 guys) for everything and for making my day!

Just to mention names:
1) XQ - even though u arent here, thanks for making the effort to 'be here'. i love you.
2) Stan - thanks for planning everything and for lunch!
3) Lu & Nelson - thanks for planning and being there (to CP, thanks for being nice to me for a day!)
4) Fidyana - thanks for always listening to my problems and giving me the best advice.. im there for you too yeah! p/s thanks for the malay birthday song!!!
5) Others like Dawn, Le Ying, 'Hahaha' Hannah, Bing Cong, Kaveen, etc - thanks for being there!
6) Brian (XQ's fren) - even though we don't know each other very well, but thanks for being such a great fren to XQ and me!
7) To all who wished me Happy Birthday, thank you!

Alright World, I'm finally 20.
Throw whatever you can at me!

Love you all
Alyssa

2008-10-10T09:40:00.001+08:00

Easy Love

The People We Hate

2008-09-27T14:09:00.000+08:00

The people who hurt us, do they feel like we do?
Do they feel ugly and worthless in their skin like we do?
When they ache are their thoughts a bruised purple-blue
or are their brains always full of those rainbow-esque hues?
Do they suffer with the things that we're going through?
Or are they always indifferent to the sanity unglued?

Those people we hate, can we feel their pain?
Do we know of their nail-biting sorrow and shame?
Are we driven to cruelty by cruelty they gave?
Or is rage bred within, in its own iron cage?

And why do we hate?- Because we're not the same?
Or simply because they're unwilling to change?

vas deferens

2008-09-24T14:58:00.001+08:00

Waiting - Janice Wei

2008-09-21T15:20:00.003+08:00

Waiting for a bunch of flowers that will never come
Waiting for a bunch of lies
Waiting for your visit
Waiting for my friends to say that you are not bad

Waiting for you willing to roam the sandstorm
I'm still anticipating for your truthfulness
and your loyalty in love
I will never get it (no matter how long I wait) for it has disappeared like drifting sand

*If anticipation can yield fruit
I'm willing to be crazy of you
The suffering I bore is worthwhile
I hate myself being too passive and foolishly waiting
Chewing the suffering patiently for you to change

I'm anticipating too much
to get something out of you
How could I expect you to reform yourself
You make mistake repeatedly
I bear the suffering of waiting
And I asked myself what did I get from waiting

Waiting till you complain to me
Loyalty is voluntary
I'm anxious to wait, seeing you everyday is more like a courtship

I don't want to wait until the others fall out of love
Then only it justifies your mindless promise
If my expectation for you is too much
I can only wait for the mixed feelings that come along

Repeat *

I always wish that you could caress me forcefully
So that I could understand the extreme feelings of love
If you really love me
Everything that we went through doesn't matter

Repeat *

Quick update

2008-09-01T12:02:00.003+08:00

okay so right now im drowning in my pile of evergrowing workload.

hungry like hell, its 12pm.
but pushing on...
the only comfort comes from the Zen Moziac having a speaker function. (which i forgot for a moment)

i just sent my rejection email to A*STAR.
apprehensive.. wondering if i have made the right choice.

i miss him.
7 marks the doom.

Sighs
Alyssa

two of everything.

2008-08-29T20:28:00.001+08:00

we were given two hands to hold
two legs to walk
two eyes to see
two ears to listen
but why only one heart?

because the other one was given to someone for us to find.

feelings

2008-08-24T20:14:00.003+08:00

im feeling really lost right now.
i know im not susposed to even blame you.
and im sorry for what i said.

i just feel really angry at myself.
i feel really upset.
i dunno what to think.
i have this scared feeling deep inside of me.
this feeling of getting left behind.
this feeling of being an underachiever all over again.
i dun wanna be nothing.

i wish you would understand.
i dun wanna feel small inside.
but no matter what..
i still thank god for having u near me.
for being ever so caring and all.

when u werent online.
i was waiting n waiting for u.
but when u came online.
i felt scared again and wanted to push u away.
now im stuck and i dunno what to do or say.
but please dun leave me alone.

Alyssa

Enraptured

2008-08-17T15:49:00.000+08:00

Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

Love
Alyssa

winter n spring

2008-08-17T15:47:00.001+08:00

no matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.

Love
Alyssa

SIPAHH!

2008-08-10T10:14:00.009+08:00

One day I was walking past Watson's when something caught my eye. It was a pack of strawberry flavoured straws for about $1.95 if I didn't remember wrongly. I think there was about 5 straws inside. Anyways, these are called SipAhh straws because you take a sip and then say Ahh! Now, I see them selling at 7-11 too for about 80 cents each with a variety of flavours such as Chocolate, Cookies and Cream, etc. Wouldn't it be weird to stick a Chocolate flavoured one into chocolate flavoured milk? Haha, well on to the tutorial on...

How To Drink Artificially Flavoured Strawberry Milk

First, you need a SipAhh straw

and a glass of plain milk (fat or low fat, its your call)

Open up the packet and play with the straw like a fascinated 2-yr old kid

Stick the straw into the cup of plain milk

and take a SIP then say AHH! (okay, i didnt say Ahh, so don't say i say Ahh)

Fin.

The SipAhh straw was interesting to drink from, the strawberry taste was prominent but it just didnt taste as authentic as strawberry milk itself. In addition, the consistency of the strawberry taste from the SipAhh straw is bad because it takes some time for the strawberry flavoured beads to diffuse and mix with the plain milk. All in all, it wouldn't be something I would go for if i have a craving for strawberry milk, but rather something I would go for if i was craving for a bit of fun and innocent childish pleasure.

Enjoy your SipAhh straw today, for just 80 cents per straw, you can make drinking plain milk more interesting!

Love

Alyssa

p/s: I am not being paid for this, but I should be. jk. xD

Death

2008-08-09T17:22:00.001+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

izzit?

Death, a friend that alone can bring the peace his treasures cannot purchase, and remove the pain his physicians cannot cure.

Alyssa

XD

2008-08-05T12:17:00.001+08:00

on my only day of unpaid leave...

i feel like going to work!
i miss my cats!

i loveeeee them.

xD

Love
Alyssa

Wake me up

2008-08-05T12:02:00.004+08:00

august is here.

my blog lacks substance.
but life's been pretty good.
i hope it stays that way.
light up my life.

no more emo thoughts.
no more facades.
no more bittersweetness.
no more riddles.

work has been work.
thank God Jomer's back today.
i miss him so much. (for obvious reasons)
took leave today since i was having sore eyes.

oh and i accidently ate Mopiko.
don't ask.. its dumb.
apparently i have like 18 terribly itchy itchy mosquito bites on my legs..
and a kind thoughtful soul bought me Mopiko..
it helps =)

Thanks.

wake me up when ~~september~~ january comes.

Love
Alyssa

Random Blabber

2008-07-29T09:41:00.003+08:00

i know words have been few but just an update on my life in this miserable ~~dead~~ blog.
been kinda reluctant to post coz so many things are going on..

work has been super busy...
ever since Dr Jomer left for Canada, anybody and everybody has been calling me.
my phone rings all the time even before 8.30am to after 6.00pm.
(okay not ALL the time but confirm got calls and smses from some people)
well im not complaining neither am i enjoying..
kinda neutral.. though it is tiring having to juggle both my duties and his duties..

just trying to do the best i can..
lols i dun even know what im feeling now..
just feel tired...

life, on the other hand, has been pretty good..
my colleague showed me a blog with a really sad story (that is 100% true)
and it made me realise that we never ever know how lucky we really are..
and death serves as the ultimate reminder..
so to all my loved ones and random passerbys..
treasure ur loved ones today before its too late..

so cliche. but true.

went to the beach on Sunday..
ate a homecooked lunch there,
saw a Tarzan (which tried to attack me.. lols),
played on the swings (which i snatch from little kids.. nah jk),
ate a chocolate-raspberry ripple ice cream (weather was frigging hot),
sat under the hot sun looking across the ~~murky~~ water,
and grew tanner a wee bit (not that anibody realises.. including me until ytd).

haha.. the beach rocks!
wow.. look at how much text ive wrote..
my affair with words is getting stronger..

seriously.. this has been a really lame post..
before i go..
Avatar: The Last Airbender is really really good!!!
go watch it, people.

Love
Alyssa

p/s did i mention that its really weird having to supervise older guys? (hoi.. dun anihow think!)

dont turn the other way

2008-07-27T08:44:00.002+08:00

woke up at 7.46am due to a really scary nightmare..
never knew that insecurity transcends through sleep in the subconscious mind as well..

just after i comforted JH over her nightmare..
and now i got one..
bit hard to believe my own words that nightmares usually protray the opposite of life..

in my nightmare..
i felt so utterly helpless and destitude..
it felt so real..
im afraid. im afraid. im afraid.

sometimes sleep doesnt feel like a solution..
dont turn the other way.
please...

Love
Alyssa

Jeremiah 33:3

2008-07-24T11:10:00.001+08:00

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

- Jeremiah 33:3

im sorry

2008-07-20T22:19:00.001+08:00

im sorry

Love
Alyssa

ILXQ

2008-07-19T21:01:00.004+08:00

its as beautiful as it looks

just came back from a walk to Elias Mall
started pouring when i went out
went to find 1000 island dressing
but everywhere its out of stock!

im beginning to think that 1000 island may be found to be carcinogenic or sumthing.
hahas..

left at about 8.30pm
today's already 19th July 2008.
ndp is coming..

this has been a redundant post.

Love
Alyssa

In This Life - Westlife

2008-07-18T10:37:00.001+08:00

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
And every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without your love I would be lost

Alyssa

Escape

2008-07-16T00:00:00.004+08:00

just reach home..
really tired..
but it seems like one thing's never changed..
ending the day with a mixture of hurt, sadness and confusion..

i want it all to go away..
but then this sadness is my remembrance..
i wish i could slash away everything..

escape.

Alyssa

Goodbye Queen

2008-07-14T21:18:00.001+08:00

Oh yar...

Goodbye Queen.

i hope u remember to come back when i leave food out.

sorry we couldnt keep you.

Alyssa

Minties Day

2008-07-14T21:00:00.003+08:00

so weary and lost.
this feeling is indescribable.
yet its all too familiar.

just got home, fell asleep on the bus, luckily i din miss my stop.
was great to meet Ria again today..
got my Minties from her!!
thanks girl.. i really <3 them!!!!!

too many personal problems..
feels like im facing obstacles in everything i do..
but yet life goes on......
its really tough living behind a facade.

Alyssa

Prayer for Courage

2008-07-14T10:20:00.001+08:00

Father,
I pray for courage as I begin this day,
for I understand there is work to be done,
burdens to be carried,
feelings to be shared and
joys to be celebrated.
Grant me the courage to be silent
that I may hear Thy voice;
to persevere, that I may share Thy victory;
and to remember,
lest I forget the way by which Thou has led me.
And when this day is done,
O Lord, may I have the courage to see
Thy guiding hand in the
friendships that have been made,
in the hurts that have been healed,
and in the strength that has been given.

Amen.

Alyssa

Prayer for Strength

2008-07-14T10:16:00.002+08:00

O Lord,
In this time of need, strengthen me.
You are my strength and my shield;
You are my refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
I know, Father,
that Your eyes go to and fro
throughout the earth to strengthen
those whose hearts long for You.
The body grows weary,
but my hope is in You to renew my strength.
I do not fear, for You are with me.
I am not dismayed or overwhelmed,
for You are my God.
I know You will strengthen me and help me;
that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand.
Even as the shadows of illness cover me,
I feel the comfort of Your strength,
Our Lord.

Amen.

Alyssa

PRAY

2008-07-13T23:13:00.006+08:00

i think my past is finally catching up to me.

Alyssa

Running After You

2008-07-12T23:26:00.001+08:00

Your Word is a light unto my path
Your Love guides me through my darkest night
And even though sometimes Your ways
I cannot understand
I’ll never walk away because my future’s
In Your hands

I don’t care what people will say
I’m running after You
I won’t turn back and go their way
Coz I’m running after You
Don’t matter what may come my way
I’m running after you
It’s You I’m following today
I’m running after You

Alyssa

Sleeping Stars - Wintersun

2008-07-12T20:47:00.001+08:00

Oh sleeping stars, why are you so sad tonight
Oh sleeping stars, will you shine for me tonight
Oh sleeping stars

Can you see them float in the night sky
Can you hear those echoes of their sweet cries, creating a tune
Can you see them shine so bright
Can you feel their loneliness through their cold light, touching you

My eyes feel so heavy when the stars are calling me
Join with us eternally
I'm falling in deep trance and my powers are weakening
I'm falling in a world between dreams and reality

I am now alone in the silent light
and there's nothing but darkness around me
Deeper into unknown the strange light is guiding me
Wake me until it's too late

Suddenly I feel a warmth go through my body
But I feel that a part of me has died, I sense the change in me
I must have been away so long
so please stay with me for a while

Alyssa

When Kitty Attack!

2008-07-08T21:31:00.002+08:00

When Kitty Attacks!

Kitty was feeling suicidal on the wrong person.

Alyssa

Gorgeous - Idina Menzel

2008-07-08T02:29:00.002+08:00

In a perfect world, in another time
In a far off place, we wouldn't need to justify
Everything we are and all that we believe
We could finally be whoever we both want to be

And when we can't be heard
And when we can't be seen
I will call you close and
You will reach for me

When all of the beauty turns to pain
When all of the madness falls like rain
As long as we crash and we collide
We will be gorgeous, you and I

Through the window pane, through the bedroom door
This city wants to fight but it can't touch us anymore
We have come so far, we have shed our skin
The more that's taken from us now, the more we have to give

And when we are drowning in the noise
I'm gonna stop to hear your voice
As long as we crash and we collide

We will be gorgeous, you and I.

Alyssa

Cutting Issues

2008-07-05T03:40:00.002+08:00

There is perhaps no phenomenon which contains so much destructive feeling as moral indignation, which permits envy or hate to be acted out under the guise of virtue.

"I don't cut myself now but in the past when I got really depressed and overwhelmed and I felt like I made someone I was close to mad at me or disappointed them I would lose it and cut myself. It was like I hated myself so much and thought I was such a bad person that I deserved to be hurt. And I think physically hurting myself helped me focus on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain. Its like a distraction. I got so stuck in the emotions I didn't know what to do but I felt like I had to do something like kill myself but I was too afraid so I just cut myself. I would'nt tell her she is stupid or being stupid. She probably already knows it is not good for her and is not the answer to her problems. she needs help to figure out a healthier way to deal with her emotions. If you really want to try and be there for her(which I know can be trying) I would tell her you care about her and know she is having problems and you hope she will get help. Just her knowing you care about her might help her a little because people like her usually feel sad and alone and embarassed that they do these immature things. Cause normal people who don't cut or who have never had bad depression can't understand at all what they are going through. They think they just do it for attention but the person is dealing with so many feelings and just wants it to go away." - Trinstar's answer to why do people cut themselves

Alyssa

Nelly Furtado - In God's Hands

2008-07-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
Couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God's hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it's the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

We didn't respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands
Back in God's hands

It didn't last
It's a thing of the past
Oh we didn't understand
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

Alyssa

im living on repeat

2008-07-03T13:40:00.003+08:00

every song reminds me of you.
my heart is flooded with emotions.
my mind is flooded with thoughts.

im breaking apart again n again.
each day i wage the same war.
and feel the same outcome.
each day i try to be strong again.
and i fail yet again.

im living on repeat.

Alyssa

Sick n Broken

2008-07-03T09:26:00.003+08:00

At 6am, i was contemplating whether or not to go to work..
and it was leaning towards going coz i know LAST practicals will be hell..
and i have to help Jomer.. on top of that.. i need to remove my specimens from the embedding plate...

but i guess my body kinda made the final decision for me..
woke up at 9.14am.. and immediately called Jomer..

feel so tired..
could be because i kept waking up at night (blocked nose issues).
aniwaes.. i went to see the doctor ytd and he gaf me 2 days MC..
apparently i didnt know i was running a fever.. just felt super cold..

yesterday was a bad day..
i missed the bus 15.
i had a lecturing from my supervisor.
i lost sumone precious.
i realised i nv changed.
i ~~was~~ am sick.
i felt cold and my nose, throat and eyes hurt.
i almost got hit by a taxi.
i almost tripped over my own doorstep.

blahs. typical day i guess..

imma go back to sleep now.
woke up just to email supervisors.

Alyssa

Like A Knife - Secondhand Serenade

2008-07-02T07:28:00.001+08:00

I dream a lot, I know you say
You've got to get away
The world is not yours for the taking
Is all you ever say

I know I'm not the best for you
But promise that you'll stay
'Cause if I watch you go, you'll see me wasting
You'll see me wasting away

'Cause today you walked out of my life
'Cause today your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people
Standing in the rain
And no matter where I go
It's always pouring all the same

These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame

'Cause today you walked out of my life
'Cause today your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life

(But what do I know if you're leaving?)
All you did was stop the bleeding
But these scars will stay forever
These scars will stay forever

And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me or watch me bleed
I need you just to breathe

'Cause today you walked out of my life
(Stay with me or watch me bleed)
'Cause today your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe)
I'm not living this life

Alyssa

i wish i could kill her

2008-07-01T23:58:00.000+08:00

she falls and falls
but there is nobody
broken promises
broken girl

bloodstains and tears
murder it wouldnt be
coz she's not living
i wish i could kill her.

Ghost

failure

2008-07-01T23:45:00.000+08:00

i just need you to be there for me..
to never leave me even as a friend..

but i guess that is too much to ask..

back away then.. if you really think its the best for both of us..

arghs nvm..
i have nothing to say anymore..

seriously nothing.
nothing now
nothing forever.
i dont even know how to make u happy.

Alyssa

These Hard Times - Matchbox 20

2008-06-30T07:34:00.000+08:00

Morning falls like rain into the city life
There goes another night
Losing my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
and taking the strife from all our lives

Everyone keeps talking
They promise you everything
But they don't mean anything

We may lose our focus
There's just too many words
We're never meant to learn
And we don't feel so alive

So goodbye, these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Though these hard times
Through these hard times

Move your hands in circles
Keeping me hypnotized
The power behind your eyes
Move around your bedroom cursing the naked sky
You should be here tonight
But you stay alone and cry

Say goodbye, these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times
(whoa) There's something missing
(Oh whoa) You'll never feel it but you
(Oh whoa) You're gonna feel it when it's gone
When it's gone

Say goodbye, these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times
(hey) these Hard times
(oh no now) Hard times
Hard times

Say goodbye, these days are gone
Say goodbye, these days are gone
These days are gone

iran 620

Love
Alyssa

Our Lady Peace - Is Anybody Home?

2008-06-30T00:58:00.000+08:00

"hey, is anybody home?
has anybody wasted tears on
loneliness that everyone becomes."

i dun wanna hate u

2008-06-29T22:42:00.000+08:00

you gave me hope..
but now you give me despair..
i thought that it would be different..
but its always the same..

round n round..
i wonder how many more years do i have to re-live this nightmare..
this pain of caring for you..
i wish to cast it aside but i cant..

dont make me hate you please.

Alyssa

Goodbye

2008-06-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

cry without trying
afraid to fall asleep
seek comfort in the dark familiarity

i guess i never really moved on

Alyssa

haunting memories

2008-06-28T15:45:00.000+08:00

laughter were few and in between.

the damage is already done.

seems like the things that haunt me inside never stop growing...
they cut like knives against raw flesh..
lurk like bad nightmares in every cell of my body..
i feel it each time i breathe..

feel so small inside.. feel damn misunderstood..
but nobody knows..
im tired of hiding away and pretending im strong..
what am i susposed to do?

Alyssa

2008-06-27T10:50:00.000+08:00

early in the morning..
someone pisses me off..
assuming and saying that i tink too much..
forcing his opinions on me..
i hate that.

and u know sumthing..
i have no reason to believe in love animore..

i think its all just a game we play..
the make up, fake up and break ups..
they all dont go aniwhere..

whoeva said Love conquers all must be brain dead...

and im sick of hearing Happiness/Success is a journey, not destination..
If you think that you sound damn smart by saying..
think again.. coz u sound so fking crappy and lame..
it is fucking overused.. and what does it even mean psychologically?
you are telling me that i will never reach happiness/success?
or are u telling me that its a futile long goose chase?
to pursue and pursue and find out that its not there..

LOVE. IS. OVERRATED.
LIFE. IS. OVERRATED. AS WELL.

this blog is a sham..
wad love crayons..
i only feel angsty, emo and depressed..
i only think upset and angry thoughts..
i cant be that person..
this is me..

~~Love~~ SCREW YOU M*FKERS
Alyssa

Disclaimer: This is very well my fucking blog to pen out my fucking thoughts, if you fucking disagree, then you might as well agree with me that you are indeed a fucker who derives pleasure from fucking around with me.

Disclaimer 2: This does not apply to people who didnt piss me off. Thoughts may vary from time to time.

A Tout Le Monde

2008-06-26T23:14:00.000+08:00

Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

YOUTHANASIA.

Love
Alyssa

Rantsss

2008-06-24T21:15:00.000+08:00

I realised that the more I work, the more of a neat freak I become.. un-naturally.

I am lazy and messy but I cannot seem to stand this environment anymore..
makes me feel as though im living in a cluttered disorganized out of control box..

arghs!!
i really need to pack my room, clean my tables, organize my bags, change my bedsheets, dust every visible surface (even the tv), disinfect the walls, sweep every corner (even under the bed), mop the floor, clean the grilles and polish the mirror, etc..

when im done, im gonna beg to have a phone installed in my room too. (hope that will work out.)

This has been a rant..
and it was brought to u by the angst in me.

Love
Alyssa

pack your room

2008-06-24T21:13:00.001+08:00

Things To Do:

pack. your. room. pronto.

Love
Alyssa

Give My Love

2008-06-23T04:33:00.000+08:00

When I look in your eyes I can see that you
Want to be with me but you're so scared
And I don't know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And I know that times won't change my love
And I can't do nothing to keep you

Oh, I'll give my love
Oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night

As the hours pass away
You think that love ain't here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don't give doubt a moment's rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby,
The truth will set sparks

Now I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know, that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night

it does not get any more apt than this
thanks for understanding me this much

Love
Alyssa

Beer

2008-06-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Beer

Although you are light, thanks for picking me up from my super emo state.
i never did like you coz i tot you tasted odd but now, i love u.
Cheers to better and stronger liquer. (plus caffeine!)

Love
Alyssa

loner and swings

2008-06-16T20:08:00.001+08:00

dunno whats gotten into me lately.
i feel so upset and sians everyday.
i dun really feel like talking to anybody.
the only highlight of today is louis, made me laughed till i cried..
hahaha..

den when it was time to go home,
i walked from TP to TM and started feeling emo again..
coz of certain tings..
i couldnt even feel the distance coz my brain was zoned out..
just my mp3 and me.. yet i could feel the twinge in my heart..

wanted to walk all the way home.. over the highway..
but i smelt rain, which has this very refreshing-depressing feeling on me..
so i decided to drop by the library for a bit..
borrowed two books to keep me busy when im not at work..
skipped lunch but ate some biscuits in the office..
dun really feel like eating dinner..

i feel like going away.. for a really long time.
but there's so much i just cant leave behind..

Alyssa

back to square 1

2008-06-16T19:56:00.000+08:00

same dashed hopes
same broken-ness
strangers for company
im still at square 1

im there so much its almost cliche.

Alyssa

Ame no Orchestra

2008-06-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

Ame no Orchestra (Orchestra of Rain)

Into a purely white notebook I start to write down my memories of you (with a pen)
Outside the window the rain falls like on that day, non-stop since yesterday
It falls on forever, knocking at the window

Drip, drop, one, two
Outside the gently shaking window
The weather forecast predicted rain, did you take an umbrella as you went out?

“Goodbye today’s sunshine”, I repeat several times
If I looked up to the sky, I might see a grain of light
Ordinary days, orchestra of echoes of the tunes rain plays

I wasn’t surprised at all to find you in the middle of town where the sinners come and go
Cherry tree leaves, wet from the early summer rain, and I, waiting for you to come
A cat, all wet and shrivelling, joining you

They look like Hydrangeas
The umbrellas of the street houses which bloom vividly
Your brightly red vinyl umbrella that dyed your profile red

The birds in the shade of the trees are tired of waiting for the sky
But...I don’t hate this rain
Folding one umbrella, I invite you to stand underneath my little umbrella

The cold air prevents us from standing apart, because of the distance our fingertips touch lightly
You wear your hair tied up today, yesterday, you had looked more adult
Dye my ordinary days

As I put down the pen, the rain has stopped. Unnoticed, the sky has started flowing
You certainly knew about the lies I told you, right?
From the beginning.

Our mistakes have flown with the rain, soon, we will also be washed away
I won’t be found in the picture full of luck you draw
I, who used to be reflected in your eyes
I hadn’t been surprised at all to find you in the middle of town where the sinners come and go

Cherry tree leaves, wet from the early summer rain, and I, waiting for you who is not there
With my eyes closed, I smell your scent in the wind

Alyssa

be happy for others

2008-06-15T14:50:00.000+08:00

put on a brave front
and hide away the tears
carry the cake
and say happy father's day.

be happy for others.

Alyssa

AIBI

2008-06-15T13:16:00.000+08:00

this is too good.

okay as soon as carmen comes online..

he switches his nick to yawnzers..

and switches it again to wow? already using my name? you really are a pitiable plastic.. fool is just too nice word..

lols trying to act innocent now?

what happened to eg of a polymer: wee?

u dare to put on ur nick but u afraid to let others know?

im not afraid!

i wun change my nick!

hahaha...

Alyssa

polymer lols

2008-06-15T12:40:00.001+08:00

eg of a polymer: Wee

- the great Himbo strikes again

oohh.. so smart..
u know science..
i worship u..
coz u are l33t!

LOLS.

*rolls eye*

dude, have some originality..
isnt that another form of saying plastic.. yawns................

Definition of Himbo:
- Male bimbo
Eg. Gay Boy Terris Tan Shen How. (also commonly known as GBT)

aniwaes, FUCK YOU (not me of coz, eww, useless lj kia) for insulting my family name.
you can insult me but never touch my family name!

Alyssa

geez it never stops

2008-06-15T12:26:00.000+08:00

i know i will definitely lose to you in plasticity.. sighz.. i not as hiong lor.

- GBT the Greatest Himbo

lols.. who initiated the plastic war?
are those sarcastic words a cover for your cowardice?
how am i plastic when u are the one being a fake 'friend' towards me?

Alyssa

I wont back down.

2008-06-15T12:06:00.000+08:00

I asked the same question to 2 guys who have known me for many many years.

Q: Am I materialistic/superficial? Please answer honestly.

Words from a fellow gay which i RESPECT:

*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
aiya
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
ignore them la
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
himbos r more materialistic than they tink they r
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
n they r more irritatin than they actually r
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
u can match them with bimbos ba
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
juz tt they more daring to say stuffs cuz they r guys
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
learn to shoot back
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
all these yrs i hav been learn to shoot back "himbotically"
*yawnz* rottin in the office >_< T_T bleahx... says:
i tink i hav more or less become a himbo myself =X

Words from an ex-bf:

zJ - sErViNg nS - [[ Lost? ]] says:
materialistic? since when? duh.
zJ - sErViNg nS - [[ Lost? ]] says:
superficial is wat huh? lol.
aιчssa; lovecrayons.blogspot.com (i guess that makes u plastic too, how long are u gonna hide behind words?) says:
superficial is very fake.
zJ - sErViNg nS - [[ Lost? ]] says:
orhs.
zJ - sErViNg nS - [[ Lost? ]] says:
wont la. aiya. dun care abt ur fren nahs.
zJ - sErViNg nS - [[ Lost? ]] says:
sot sot one.

Alyssa

gbt strikes again

2008-06-15T12:02:00.000+08:00

has my words gotta do with your plasticity?

- again from dearest GBT (yes, GBT strikes again!!)

so are u admitting that you tink im plastic..
or are u trying to back out of a confrontation..
i have kept quiet long enough..
if u wanna act innocent now..
den take it that i have something personal towards you for what you previously commented about me =)

Alyssa

Lousiest Friend Ever

2008-06-15T11:50:00.002+08:00

the life (of) a true plastic involves jealousy, tenacity and materialism beyond logical comprehension.

- again, wise words spoken from GBT (ALL HAIL HIM!)

woahh.. trying to sound deep?
now im jealous and materialistic as well?
wow.. do u really know me??
u sure talk like u think u do...

who is the one whose jealous that carmen isnt there to talk to u or sms u as much animore?
who is the one hiding behind words?
materialism.. i leave it for u to decide..

besides, whether im materialistic or not.. is it really your concern or your judgement to pass?
i nv dated you dude.. and never will..
please check up the meaning of materialistic..
do i carry LV bags given from rich guys or decked head to toe in branded goods?
i seem to remember im holding a day job..
i dont think materialistic people care much about earning an income..

what u dont realise is how u are coming in between others..
and you call yourself a true friend..

Alyssa

Last Straw

2008-06-15T11:17:00.001+08:00

well the last straw broke..

i hate it when people blemish the innocence of true BL..- nonetheless, your whimsical words are still your demise.. not that i really care, though the fakishness is trauma-ing me.

- written by gay ~~boy~~ Terris (quoted from hearsay)

advice for you.. grow up.. quit talking like a school kid.. trauma-ing? lols.. acbc much?

ive always been nice and supportive of your sexual orientation and tried being a friend and somewhat a mentor coz i have hopes for you to excel.. well i guess to you, that makes me whimsical, plastic and superficial.. nice try using three different words to describe one trait.. it really makes it so much harder to guess..

i am not gonna take this lying down..

the only thing fake is how you are posting coded messages on your msn nick..
instead of saying to my face what u dislike about my personality and solving it between us..
i dont take well to cowardice and superficiality in friendships..
but if thats the way u play, ill gladly play along..
even if i will lose a valued fren in the process.. (which i absolutely abhor!)

like i said..
though im not sure if its directed at me but i have every reason to..
besides the changes u made to your nick which coincides with the timing of incidents that happened..
makes it more suspicious..
besides, i know from carmen that you think im plastic.. lols

you. dont. know. me. AT ALL!
so never ever judge me!
have some dignity and respect for yourself!

what are u so mad at me about?
did i ever offend you?
or are u just scared that carmen will leave u?
if ur that possessive a fren, i have nothing to say..
mayb you shld just step up your game instead of hiding in the shadows
and spouting some coded crap which you think is very mysterious..

so bit of advice.. get IN my face and say it straight what you are so unhappy about!
i dare u to..

Alyssa

2008-06-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

been a long time since ive felt suicidal..
it hurts so much i cant breathe..

cry

2008-06-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

being whimsical with words only brings downfall on your part..
fakeness only turns on my trauma switch..

should i cry or be angry?

Alyssa

I love you brother.

2008-06-14T20:12:00.001+08:00

i was so afraid i would lose you.

Alyssa

Stupidest girl that ever lived

2008-06-14T19:15:00.001+08:00

i have so much regret inside myself.
i feel so useless.
spent so much time being angry with him.
wasted so much time,
when i was susposed to love him.
how could i be so stupid?
how could i let anger blind my eyes?
how could i hate him?
Hate has poisoned our relationship..

the stupid things we do for love.

does it take a whole lot of blood to start loving and caring for your loved ones?

Alyssa, you are the stupidest girl that ever lived.
The disappointment I feel in you far exceeds any disappointment I've ever felt.

Alyssa

Trust

2008-06-14T19:04:00.001+08:00

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you dont trust enough.
Alyssa

男人女人

2008-06-14T18:54:00.000+08:00

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却还在等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会狠心对谁

男人男人多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼
女人女人我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生来换你的快乐一生

This entry is dedicated to the those with feelings left unspoken and unheard.

Alyssa

Nothing's right anymore

2008-06-14T18:51:00.000+08:00

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.

Everything's left unspoken and goes unheard.
Hate and Anger has conquered both Love and Hope.
Sorrow and Regret seems to still be missing.

is it too late?

Alyssa

William Blake

2008-06-13T19:56:00.001+08:00

"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."

William Blake

Please Dont Go

2008-06-13T19:09:00.000+08:00

the light disappears
cant smile nor breathe
the road seems longer
your presence lingers

this despair i feel inside
consumes my soul and being
like ink it seeps even
into the coldest portions

my mind draws a blank
yet your haunting me
just playing on repeat
waiting for nothingness

is it broken?
can we work it out?
dont look away please
i feel tired and dead

Alyssa