Have you ever felt like nothing before and when you look deep into your heart, what lies inside is only fear.. tinged with the melanchony of sadness. Like a overpowering beast with glowing red eyes, it stares back at you with a taunting smirk and bares its razor-sharp teeth, challenging.. daring you to take a step.. just make a move. 'It will pass.', it continually whispers this blatant lie inside your head. While at the same time, it engulfs you in its bittersweet embrace, dragging you down into the dark crevasses of the battered remnants of your life force where you relive your greatest disappointments on replay. It manipulates your mind freely like a well-strung puppet, relishing in its control on you. It rejoices in each moment of victory and in seeing you grow more puppet-like each day. It wants you to be so weak mentally that you throw everything out the window, especially things or people you love and care about and believe that being desolute and lousy is what you deserve. It just wants you to lose yourself but it does not want to lose you, so it constantly feeds you lies, keeping you just strong enough to live each day and leading you on to think it's just a phase when the only true promise it gives is of eternal damnation.


You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.


What makes for a special birthday?

It's more than having your birthday fall on the 11th day of the 11th month of every year.
It's more than having lots of presents and angpows.
It's more than fine dining, expensive outings and grand parties.

I would say its...

- having my year 1 students sing 'Happy Birthday' during class
- having my year 3 students/friends surprise me with a cake during lunch (3 guys summore.. how sweet of them right.. i think all 3 of them two are still available.. though one might be off the market soon.. so girls out there.. jiayou..)
- having my year 2 + 3 students/friends and my supervisor sing 'Happy Birthday', then eat cake together
- having a lunch treat from Stan

It's times like this when I realise that feeling alone is perhaps what it really is, just a feeling.
You never know how many people are actually there beside you all along.

Although this was not how I expected my birthday to be (since I still had to work).. I want to truly thank everybody (esply those 3 guys) for everything and for making my day!

Just to mention names:
1) XQ - even though u arent here, thanks for making the effort to 'be here'. i love you.
2) Stan - thanks for planning everything and for lunch!
3) Lu & Nelson - thanks for planning and being there (to CP, thanks for being nice to me for a day!)
4) Fidyana - thanks for always listening to my problems and giving me the best advice.. im there for you too yeah! p/s thanks for the malay birthday song!!!
5) Others like Dawn, Le Ying, 'Hahaha' Hannah, Bing Cong, Kaveen, etc - thanks for being there!
6) Brian (XQ's fren) - even though we don't know each other very well, but thanks for being such a great fren to XQ and me!
7) To all who wished me Happy Birthday, thank you!

Alright World, I'm finally 20.
Throw whatever you can at me!

Love you all
Alyssa