Well I don't know what I'm looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won't be satisfied
'Till there's nothing left that I haven't tried
For some people it's an easy choice
But for me there's a devil and an angel's voice
Well I don't know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Well I don't know what I'm living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more
And you hear it from strangers
And you hear it from friends
That love never dies, love never ends
Now I don't wanna argue, no I don't wanna fight
'Cause you're always wrong and I'm always right
Well I don't know what I am living for
But I know that I just wanna live some more

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king
Now I've lost it all and I don't feel a thing
I may never grow old, I may never give in
And I'll blame this world that I live in
I visit hell on a daily basis
I see the sadness in all your faces
I've got friends who have married
And their lives seem complete
Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

And I act like a child and I'm insecure
And I'm filled with doubt and I'm immature
Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it
I'm lost at sea
But no matter how far I row
I always find my way back home
But I don't know what I've been waiting for
But I know that I don't wanna wait anymore

Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...
Looking for...
What I'm looking for...

Love
Alyssa


Warning: Dreamy post ahead!

The feeling of..

knowing it only belongs to you..
being wanted and needed..
having something to strive for..
security and satisfaction..

is absolutely wonderfantabulous!

Love
Alyssa


The date today is 20th December 2008.

5 more days to Christmas.
6 more days to Malacca weekend getaway.
6.5 more days of work in TP.
11 more days to the end of 2008.
12 more days to New Year 2009.
16 more days to something new.
35 more days to welcoming XQ back.

2008 has been full of ups and downs, but I turned out alright. 2008 has certainly been a year of struggling between feeling lost and discovering myself, my career, love and Life.

Looking back, I cannot even imagine how I managed to get this far to where I am today. For people that knows the link to my old blog, they would know that I was emotionally broken in the beginning of 2008, so much that I hated boys and relationships. On top of that, I was like a lost sheep that did not know what I wanted or needed to do. In the beginning, I blamed my parents for not supporting me in my studies, but now I thank them for teaching me how to be independent. There is so much more satisfaction in working hard to earn money and invest in upgrading yourself.

And today, I am in love with a wonderful guy. He has always been there for me, like sending me flowers and a birthday cake to bridge the distance even when he's in China. He has also never once given up on this relationship or on me, yet I cannot say the same for me. He has certainly been my anchor, something I thank God for everyday.

So just for fun's sake, I will evaluate a list of things I told myself to do in 2008, picked out from my old blog, here goes...

1) Sleep

Okay.. this really is a dumb resolution, but I guess me and 8 billion more people in the world fulfilled this. I must have been feeling like a zombie the time I wrote that.

Verdict: PASS

2) Eat my "fav dish" @ Cafe Cartel

If I am not wrong, it was the Chef Salad.. I did not get to eat it due to time constraints. Lol.. the only reason why I like it is because of the dressing.. I am still wondering what is the dressing they use.

Verdict: FAIL

3) Watch Bleach from where i last stopped (Episode 77)

Yups, I managed to catch Bleach from Episode 77 till the part they go to the Arrancar's place.. can't really remember where I stopped later on.. but I havent been following since then.

Verdict: PASS

4) Bake what i wanna bake (Brownies, Cakes, Cookies, Truffles)

Oooh.. in 2008, I baked chocolate brownies (which turned out okay by my standards), chocolate chip cookies (but i lost the recipe), 2 marble cakes (1 turned out horrible coz I forgot to add baking soda) and an Oreo Cheesecake (technically it isnt baked)

Verdict: PASS

5) Cook what i wanna cook (Mac & Cheese, Spaghetti w Meatballs)

I cooked Mac & Cheese, Baked Mac Pasta, Spaghetti, Shepherd's Pie!

Verdict: PASS

6) **** xx**

HAHA.. LOLS!

Verdict: FAIL

7) Watch anime and cartoons till i go crazy

I watched plenty of anime and cartoons (like the whole season of Avatar).. almost went crazy but didnt admit IMH.. soo...

Verdict: FASS/PAIL

8) Play games

I played a few Maplestory private servers for awhile, Sims2 for awhile and Maplesea for awhile.

Verdict: PASS

9) Think of more creative and useful tings to do

GAH O_o WHO WROTE THAT!

Verdict: EPIC FAIL

10) Find a job (must i? my conscience wrote that..)

*beams*

Verdict: PASSS

So now that's done, we're on to 2009. 2009 really marks a new beginning for me. I cannot stress on how important it is.. it might even be the turning point of my life. 2009 is also the year I reach adulthood (21 yrs old).. where I foresee I am going to make a lot more important decisions and take up more responsiblity. I was never a fan of making New Year's Resolution as you can see my 2008 "resolutions" were labelled list of things to do... haha.. but this year is different.. I got to step up my game.. so here it is..

2009 New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a permanent full-time job which I am passionate about
2) Be more punctual by sleeping early and waking up on time
3) Adapt to 2+ hours travelling time (to and fro; 1+ hour each)
4) Be a better girlfriend to XQ by making an effort to spend time together
5) Study a part-time degree
6) Save more money for my studies (at least 50% of my annual income after cpf)
7) Donate blood a few more times (at least twice)
8) Lose 11kg by exercising more regularly and watching my diet
9) Run 5km by gradually training and in a few years' time, be able to complete the 42.195km marathon
10) Be a more responsible girl, daughter, sister, friend, whatever I am to my loved ones.
11) Learn/do something new that I've always wanted

that's about all for now.
i wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead!

Love
Alyssa


it seems like everything is finally falling into place..
and the future looks like 1000 watts brighter..

but why do i have such mixed feelings inside?

12 more days to...

maybe it will be good for me.

On a much happier note, today marks the 5th monthsary of me and XQ.
despite the distance and all, im really happy to have met him and still be able to be his gf after all this while. u have been nothing but sweet, loving, understanding and strong!

i love you baby!

Love
Alyssa


OMGucci! (haha.. never used that phrase for so long)

MY SHEPHERD'S PIE IS GONE!

Into the stomachs of my dad, my 2 bros and me. Lols.. in record timing summore.. I can't believe it.. what's this i feel?

I think its satisfaction and a sense of 'achievement'!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Love
Alyssa


Today I baked Shepherd's Pie like a kan chiong spider.

And everybody knows that when Alyssa does things like a kan chiong spider, she's bound to end up creating a big mess. Here are some highlights:

#1 Dumb potatoes could not be mashed, coz I 'gey kiang' go and boil before peeling and cubing them.
#2 I burnt my left hand trying to catch a metal spoon that I used to stir the boiling hot sauce.
#3 I burnt my tongue while trying to taste the sauce.
#4 Something went wrong with the texture somewhere because the mashed potatoes did not sit well on top of the chicken filling.
#5 Blahs.. I'll just let the pictures do the talking yeah..


So overall taste-wise (opinion from my dad and bro as well), it tastes pretty good but texture is funny.. too runny and wet.. hmmm..

im so tired now. lols. how to be housewife? how can?!

Love
Alyssa


i didnt think that anybody would read my blog.
and so soon after i posted that last awful post.

but thanks Kurt..
you made me feel a whole lot better.

thanks bro..


i feel miserable, angry and alone.

but there's just so much i cant mention.

when i look at you, i envy you for being able to express your feelings so blatantly.
but you should know you are pushing away the people who care for you.
and as a friend, it hurts to see this in the people around me.
i dunno what i said or did wrong that made you angry at everybody, or maybe just at me.
if i did, then im sorry.

if this post offences you, im sorry too.
it was never my intention.
xq's not here and im left alone with my thoughts.
there's just so much on my mind.
i need to let it all out and this is my only outlet left.
but just to clarify, im not feeling this way becoz of you.
you are just one contributive factor.

im sick of this feeling inside of me.
im sick of feeling so lost and alone.
im sick of suppressing my feelings.
im sick of feeling helpless.
im sick of crying.
and most of all, im sick of pretending.
becoz its killing me inside.

i wish someone would save me from myself.